Decidedly So

* Yesterday I was feeling optimistic and decided to make a new title image for this blog. I made it in Paint (which is harder than it sounds) as I forgot to install Photoshop on my computer before I left for Spain. Quite the stupid thing to do I must admit, but I just ended up making do with what I do have on this computer. If anyone actually reads this, let me know what you think. Does the top banner look good or stupid? Should I go back to just the plain titles that come with Blogger templates?

Today was a pretty good day, decidedly so. I woke up this morning and decided that I was tired of feeling shitty and lonely. According to my boyfriend (he's such a math nerd) I've finished exactly 15.1% of my trip as of today. In some ways it feels like I've been here forever. Sometimes it feels like a dream, and other times a nightmare and I can't wake up. But at the same time, in other ways it feels like just yesterday that I arrived at the airport in Madrid, tears of happiness, nervousness and anticipation streaming down my face after the longest day of my entire life. (24 hours of flying is not fun, especially when you didn't sleep the night before or on the plane.) It's such an odd feeling to try to describe: eternity in an instant. That's how long it feels like I've been here.

One of my classes while I'm here is the equivalent of what we call "Peer-Tutoring" in Canada. Except that it's 100 times cooler in Spain. It is honestly the highlight of my day and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. Basically, I get to work with a class of 10 year old students in their English classes. They've been doing English for many years so they're pretty fluent. I do lessons and activities with them, drama activities, games, reading groups and all sorts of other stuff. I love it so much and when I'm there in their classroom, working with them, it makes me forget about everything. And I don't miss home and I don't feel bad or sad or anything - I just feel happy. Today I got to teach my first actual lesson and activity with the whole class: asking questions in the present perfect tense. Normally I work specifically with some of the kids who have a little bit more of a difficulty with English because either they transferred from another school or country or something to that extent. I had also prepared a grammar game for "my group" of kids (Ana, Paula, Jose and Javier and sometimes Sergio - some of the cutest kids in the world, by the way) who have a little bit more trouble with the structures and language. I was so happy because they loved the game! Who would have thought that grammar could ever be exciting for them? Another thing with "my group" is that it is very hard for them, so often when they are really struggling with things, they just shut down. And they'll stop trying which is exactly what I don't want. That's why it's really important for me to offer them encouragement all the time. It's amazing for me because I can actually see an improvement in them since the time we've all started working together. Even today at the beginning of the game and then at the end - it was amazing to see how well they were doing with the concepts while having a great time!

In the afternoon I even stayed a little bit later while they were out having lunch. I stayed for an extra 45 minutes alone in their classroom colouring charts with verbs, laminating, and preparing lessons for next week (all with their actual teacher's permission, of course.) It just makes me feel so happy to be there. I am also planning a big Halloween activity for them for the end of the month. I am ridiculously excited for this, it's going to be a blast. :)

Another thing: today I stumbled across an artist I'd never heard of before, but I absolutely love her. Her name is Colbie Caillat and a friend of mine sent me some of her songs. If you go to her site you can see her music video and also listen to some of her songs.

I think that my two favourite songs of her are Realize and Tailor Made. But honestly, they're all great. Thought that I'd post a few of the lyrics from each song:

* Tailor Made - Colbie Caillat

Well you said he makes you laugh,
And he makes you happy,
He sees you smiling back,
It is everlasting,
And so he’s tailor made for you,
With stunning golden hues,
And one sweet tone to soothe,
Your persistent beating heart: it’s just a start,
And I have seen you everyday,
You’ve never been like this before,
He’s tailor made, tailor, tailor made

* Realize - Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you? ...
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

Both songs are from her album Coco which was released in 2007. I am definetely planning on buying it soon. Check it out!
I'm such a teenage girl, both songs remind me of my boyfriend. (If anyone actually reads this blog, let me know if you'd like to hear that story because it's actually kind of interesting ...) Oh Mitch ... I miss you <3

This weekend I am going to Granada with my Spanish family to see Alhambra. It is the "party week" here in Zaragoza known as Pilares which means that everyone in the city has Thursday and Friday off work and school, as well as the regular weekend. It is an annual week of festivities and people from all around Spain come to Zaragoza to visit. The occasion actually has great religious importance although there are fireworks and markets and street performers, and many people just use it as an excuse to get really really drunk. Zaragoza is considered to be the birthplace of Christianity in Spain because The Virgin Mary ("Our Lady of the Pillar") has reportedly appeared here to the apostle St. James. One of the traditional ceremonies performed every year during this week is people from all over the city offering flowers to a statue of The Virgin outside of the cathedral. I have been told that it is quite a site to see; by the end of the day there are so many flowers surrounding the statue that you can't even see it. I am pretty sure that we will return from Granada in time to see this ceremony and it is something that I am very interested in and excited to see.

However this weekend (from Thursday to Sunday) we will be in Granada, which is about a 10 hour drive away. I won't be able to post anything during those days but when I get back I will have many stories and pictures to share. I am so excited to see Alhambra as I have been looking on the internet and it is a beautiful place. There is so much history which I will be more than happy to share with you when I return.

Once again, to anyone who has actually a) stumbled upon this blog and b) taken the time to read this, then thank you! It is somewhat nice to know that I'm not just typing to myself. But even if I am just typing to myself this blog has become an outlet for me. Everyone needs a place to ramble ...

So excited to visit Alhambra! Adios!

Jayna

Let's Give Thanks

Some days I love this place and even though I miss home, I wouldn’t trade anything for the experience. Some days, like yesterday, I would give anything to be back home in my house, my room, my bed with my family, my friends and my pets. Yesterday was a bad day and it was one of those days when I start to get really down on myself, this place and this opportunity. I have those days more often in Spain than I ever do at home. It probably stems from the loneliness and the fact that I’m here – far away and somewhat isolated – and it’s all me. It’s only me here and my mistakes, my problems, my feelings, my fears … there’s no one to bail me out. It’s all on me.

However, with every statement there are two sides to it. Yesterday I was kind of in a funk and looking at the world through pessimistic eyes. Days like this will come again I’m sure, as there’s no denying that everyone will always have good days and bad days.

As completely terrifying the statement: “It’s all on me,” is, it’s also somewhat thrilling. For how long now have I been trying to prove to the world that ‘I’m a big girl’ and am perfectly capable of looking after myself? Well, now it’s time for me to put my money where my mouth is. I get to prove it. I can prove to myself and to everyone else that I am a strong enough person to deal with whatever curves life throws me and that I don’t necessarily need anyone there to pick up the pieces for me when I fall apart. I can pick myself up off the ground and give it another shot. I get to be big, grown up Jayna fending for herself. And that is an absolutely thrilling and inspiring prospect.

As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday was Thanksgiving back home. Today I’m done with sitting in my self-pity pool and I want to give thanks for all of the wonderful things in my life (of which there are many.)

• I have a mother and a step-father who love me even when I screw up and make big mistakes.
• I have a boyfriend who gives the best hugs in the world. <3
• I have a house in a country that has access to clean drinking water and medicine
• I have never had to fear for my life or been afraid of persecution
• I go to a school that doesn’t have metal detectors and police officers inspect you every day to make sure you’re not carrying weapons
• I go to a school that is able to give me opportunities to live and study in another country for 5 months
• I can read and write
• I am healthy with no diseases, infections or wounds
• I have a laptop with internet access! (This is a personal thing … what would I do without the internet?
• I am spiritual in my own way without being overly religious, and I do not fear for my life when I say this
• I live on a planet that has chocolate
• Even though I am not at home, I know that I am safe. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. And I know that there are people somewhere in this world that genuinely care about me.

I think that I could go on forever. There are so many things in my life that I am truly thankful for. And I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm off to go do some Spanish homework.

Happier today,

Jayna

Welcome to Spain

I'm reading the book Kika: Superbruja! Detective

Yes, that's right. I'm reading a book for eight year old Spanish kids. I'm reading it to learn Spanish because my school had the brilliant idea to ship me off to a foreign, Spanish speaking country (Spain) for five months. They told me I was their choice for this exchange because I was well-versed, mature, I had a high GPA and I spoke both French and English.

It's a great opportunity, I will definitely be the first to say that. However, problems arise when an exchange like this isn't really planned .... My school has never done anything like this before and the whole thing came about rather randomly. "Hey Jayna, you speak French so we figure you won't have a problem learning Spanish. Want to go to Spain for 5 months? Okay, well you leave on September 19th ..." It didn't seem like they had thought through the shit load of problems that would arise, mainly:

1. I don't speak Spanish.
2. My school is on semesters and the Spanish school does full year courses ... how would my credits work out?
3. I don't speak Spanish.
4. Spanish and French aren't the same language.
5. I don't speak Spanish.
6. Did I mention that I don't speak Spanish?

So here I am. Canadian, French and English speaking Jayna in Spain. I'm sitting here on my laptop (thank my lucky stars for my laptop!) right now looking out an apartment window onto the beautiful, downtown streets of Zaragoza. I see cars whizzing by on the streets below and people conversing. I imagine their tongues rolling over Rs and speaking fluently and beautifully in Spanish, just as they probably are. (Spanish is a beautiful language, it doesn't seem to matter what you say.) I'm sitting here, and I'm missing home. I miss my friends and my family and my boyfriend. It's Thanksgiving today back home in Canada and I miss pumpkin pie. I miss sitting around the table with my family and my step-dad doing that lame thing that he always does: "Now, let's go around the table and have everyone say what they're thankful for." I miss the way my sister and I would look at each other after he said that and roll our eyes, and the way my mom will always say the same thing: "I'm thankful for my husband and my children, my house and my health." I miss peanut butter and Tim Horton's - more things that Spain doesn't have.

One of the things that I miss most is communication. To anyone reading this (if there is even anyone reading this) I don't know if you have any idea what it is like to feel completely and utterly invisible. Every day I go to school and am surrounded by Spanish speaking people. I come home to a Spanish speaking family, then go to my room and study Spanish. Spanish, Spanish, Spanish everywhere. But I've been here for almost 3 weeks and it seems like no matter how hard I try, no matter how many hours I spend practicing, no matter how long I watch Spanish TV or read Spanish books ... it just doesn't seem to help. Now don't get me wrong, speaking French does help. Many of the grammatical structures are similiar in French and Spanish, and because of this I have a grasp of the structural aspect of the language that if I only spoke English, I don't think I would have. I have a very good comprehension of the language (Spanish) but I find it difficult to say anything at all.

I think that one of the hardest things is that no one seems to care. Every day I go to school and sit with my host (who has enough problems of her own, so she really doesn't want me here) and her friends. They talk about ... I don't know. Inside jokes and people that I don't know. They speak so fast that they have a hard time understanding each other, and none of them will actually give me a chance to hear what they're saying by looking at me. I sit at a table at lunch and at a desk in class surrounded by people but I am completely alone. I know that is one of the most cliche things you've probably ever read, but it's true. When I first arrived, I tried to speak. Even though my host and all of her friends speak English (they've been learning it since they were 3) no one makes the slightest effort to speak to me, either in Spanish or English.

I come home every day feeling stupid and dejected. I can't understand and I can't communicate. I've actually become a mute. And no one even realizes that I'm here ...

I came home today wanting to cry. I wanted to come home from school and cry, throw myself into the arms of my boyfriend and have him hug me better. I wanted to tell my mom everything that is wrong. But wait - they're over 6000 km. away and can't do anything. I don't tell my parents that anything is wrong because they can't do anything anyways and they would just fret. And that's not fair to them. The six hour time change means that I don't get to talk to them nearly as often as I would like to. Even with occasional webcam calls, it's still not enough.

I am in a foreign country, unable to communicate, and I feel all alone.

So today I decided to start this blog. Whether anyone will actually read it is anyone's guess. I doubt it, but it's worth a try.

Enough with the emo teen drama though ... although it may be hard to believe, I am enjoying myself here. Honestly. The city is beautiful, the shopping is amazing. Just the view out my window never ceases to amaze me; I came from living in a suburb in Canada to downtown Spain. The difference is vast and remarkable.

Anyways, that's the beginning of my story. If by some miracle you stumbled across this blog and actually took the time to read this then thank you. Thank you so much.

I will write again soon, probably tomorrow. Until then!

Adios,

Jayna